We have a code ORANGE (correction: MANDARINE)
11:00:00 AM
As I wrote below, my recent return to the US was quite the shock for which I was apparently not entirely prepared mentally. Well it also managed to get me in some funny situations of "cultural differences."
As I said earlier, I came overly prepared to my flight and ended up having some left over food I had intended on eating on the plane. Of this was a mandarine from Peru. I've been coming into US customs since I was 4 years old so this process is not new for me. If you've never flown into the US, it's usually a very daunting experience meant to make you feel as if you've done something wrong and they'll catch you -even though you haven't. There are officers circling around giving the meanest "stink eye" looks to everyone that could seemingly have anything on their person (those damned dogs will get you, watch out!). Well, usually there's a spot where you can last minute throw away any fruit or objects that you "mistakenly" brought over.
When I got into customs I remembered I still had that mandarine on me (big "NO NO" for the US customs) and I looked for a trash can for about 10 min, circling around the whole baggage claim area. I wasn't getting the friendliest looks so I just went ahead through customs. The man, without a hint of emotion in his voice, asked me if I had anything to declare and I responded my usual "no" and then nonchalantly said "oh, but I have this mandarine that I'm trying to throw away, any idea where I can do that?" All of a sudden his eyes lit up as if I had just told him his first born daughter was knocked up and responded with "a mandarine!? Oh, well step over this way!" and pointed me to the "other" line. For those that don't know, this is the line you desperately pray you don't have to go into; it's the one filled with customs officers prying their latex covered hands into foreigners' bags, imposing the inquisition upon their every object they've attempted to bring to our holy country, and judging them every step of the way. I've never actually experienced this line, but I've heard horror stories of being stuck there for hours, fined for thousands of dollars, and many many tears being shed.
Needless to say I was not excited. I slowly meandered through the line doing the "customs walk of shame" as vivid images came to my head of my bag being torn apart as I'm in tears, being scolded for bringing certain articles that unbeknownst to me are illegal to bring from Peru ("but they're just ceramic coasters...oh, you don't need to smash them like that...come on man!"), and a wedding gift I brought wrapped getting smashed and torn to pieces. I get to the check spot and the guy asks me what I have to declare and I tell him about the mandarine I'm trying to throw away. He responds "oh, a mandarine" (apparently I'm missing something here...), he then grabs it from my hand, holds it up above his head, yells "MANDARINE, WE HAVE A MANDARINE" - at that moment I wished I could bury my head indefinitely into my shoulders. Some other official came and grabbed it and went to some computer. I was left awkwardly standing there. I asked the guy if I could just throw it away and he told me "nope, you have to declare a mandarine." Apparently there USED TO BE trash cans where you could toss last minute fruit and produce, but NOT ANYMORE (lucky me). Now everything has to be declared. I stood there frantically envisioning me never being allowed to travel because of some red flag on my passport marking me as a "mandarine smuggler." I would soon work the black market selling smuggled peruvian mandarines at insanely high prices, purchasing muscle, and creating a mafia-like monopoly of the mandarine business. My thoughts were interrupted as he gave me my passport back and said I was all good, except he'd have to hold on to the mandarine. I smiled, made a smart ass, sarcastic joke, and went on my merry way.
I have no idea what he hammered away on that computer or what my "passport permanent record" now reads. I do know one thing for sure: I am never taking a mandarine international again.
As I said earlier, I came overly prepared to my flight and ended up having some left over food I had intended on eating on the plane. Of this was a mandarine from Peru. I've been coming into US customs since I was 4 years old so this process is not new for me. If you've never flown into the US, it's usually a very daunting experience meant to make you feel as if you've done something wrong and they'll catch you -even though you haven't. There are officers circling around giving the meanest "stink eye" looks to everyone that could seemingly have anything on their person (those damned dogs will get you, watch out!). Well, usually there's a spot where you can last minute throw away any fruit or objects that you "mistakenly" brought over.
When I got into customs I remembered I still had that mandarine on me (big "NO NO" for the US customs) and I looked for a trash can for about 10 min, circling around the whole baggage claim area. I wasn't getting the friendliest looks so I just went ahead through customs. The man, without a hint of emotion in his voice, asked me if I had anything to declare and I responded my usual "no" and then nonchalantly said "oh, but I have this mandarine that I'm trying to throw away, any idea where I can do that?" All of a sudden his eyes lit up as if I had just told him his first born daughter was knocked up and responded with "a mandarine!? Oh, well step over this way!" and pointed me to the "other" line. For those that don't know, this is the line you desperately pray you don't have to go into; it's the one filled with customs officers prying their latex covered hands into foreigners' bags, imposing the inquisition upon their every object they've attempted to bring to our holy country, and judging them every step of the way. I've never actually experienced this line, but I've heard horror stories of being stuck there for hours, fined for thousands of dollars, and many many tears being shed.
Needless to say I was not excited. I slowly meandered through the line doing the "customs walk of shame" as vivid images came to my head of my bag being torn apart as I'm in tears, being scolded for bringing certain articles that unbeknownst to me are illegal to bring from Peru ("but they're just ceramic coasters...oh, you don't need to smash them like that...come on man!"), and a wedding gift I brought wrapped getting smashed and torn to pieces. I get to the check spot and the guy asks me what I have to declare and I tell him about the mandarine I'm trying to throw away. He responds "oh, a mandarine" (apparently I'm missing something here...), he then grabs it from my hand, holds it up above his head, yells "MANDARINE, WE HAVE A MANDARINE" - at that moment I wished I could bury my head indefinitely into my shoulders. Some other official came and grabbed it and went to some computer. I was left awkwardly standing there. I asked the guy if I could just throw it away and he told me "nope, you have to declare a mandarine." Apparently there USED TO BE trash cans where you could toss last minute fruit and produce, but NOT ANYMORE (lucky me). Now everything has to be declared. I stood there frantically envisioning me never being allowed to travel because of some red flag on my passport marking me as a "mandarine smuggler." I would soon work the black market selling smuggled peruvian mandarines at insanely high prices, purchasing muscle, and creating a mafia-like monopoly of the mandarine business. My thoughts were interrupted as he gave me my passport back and said I was all good, except he'd have to hold on to the mandarine. I smiled, made a smart ass, sarcastic joke, and went on my merry way.
I have no idea what he hammered away on that computer or what my "passport permanent record" now reads. I do know one thing for sure: I am never taking a mandarine international again.
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