This occurred on the fourth and final day of the Inca Trail Trek to Machu Picchu:

I’ll give you a little background first: The Inca Trail is an amazing trek but there is one disadvantage: you can’t come into Machu Picchu too early. The reason for this is that you have to pass a government check point that opens at 5:30am and then from there it’s an hour hike (average) to reach the Sun Gate which is at the top of Machu Picchu, and about another 30 minutes to get down to the ruins. It’s an absolutely majestic way to enter the site, but tough if you’re trying to get to Wayna Picchu. Wayna is the mountain on the right of all the standard MP photos and from what I’ve been told, a must climb when you’re there. Well, for WP they only allow 400 people total (200 from 7-10 and 10-1) and people (who spend the night or take the early train) run to fill up the spots as soon as the park opens at 6am usually taking all available tickets by 7-8am. You can begin to see my predicament now.

Well, I was adamant about making it up to WP and my guide advised me how it would be done and that once we got past the check point I would have to run as much as I could. Even though I was exhausted from three prior days of hiking and carrying my giant backpack, I took on the challenge and got myself pumped. The doors opened and I was off! Only problem was that the path was narrow and after 5 minutes of booking it, I got stuck behind other groups that were walking. Everyone was in a hurry to get to the site and all of a sudden manners and compassion for others got thrown out the window (mob Disneyland mentality) – nobody would let me through! Finally I ran past a few, and then got stuck again. I had the idea to pretend I was a porter to get past people, but no one would have bought it since they all separated from our trail the night before.
I was getting anxious and the guy in front of me looked back and then graciously let me through. Then he told his wife in front of me that a “guide” was coming through and to let me through.
I bite my tongue and run past her. Mind you that I have on an alpaca Peruvian beanie, a tourist walking stick, and a big backpacker pack on my back. In his defense it was still dark so I was hard to identify - just a sweaty brown man running by...
Well the person in front of her was a pain and blocked me like no other with body and walking stick. After a good 5 minutes I hear the wife in a whiney voice ask him how he knew I was a guide (I’m still directly in front of her). He responds some smart ass comment like “the frogs told me.”
It’s starting to be twilight and I can’t get past the person in front of me. She then asks in my direction, (in gringa Spanish), “excuse me, are you a guide?”
In perfect Spanish and without turning around I respond, “Of course.”
She seemed somewhat pleased by this and gave me an, “Oh, OK”
About 10 more minutes went by and I still couldn’t get past this persistent roadblock in front of me. It’s starting to get lighter out.
I hear some huffing and puffing behind me. I then hear that nagging, high pitched voice, (in gringa Spanish), “so, are you going to pass anyone else…??”
I don’t understand why people really care so much sometimes. Aren’t there lines for the cafeteria or a handball game being cut into that she should be policing?
Of course, I don’t miss the opportunity and loudly respond, “Yes, of course. Once I am given the opportunity to go through, I will catch up to my group.” (subtle, eh?)
I jumped at the opportunity provided by my exponentially growing annoyance with my surroundings, that comment, and the still semi-darkness outside and loudly said, “perdon!” (excuse me) and jumped past the person in front of me.
I then literally ran past that group of people yelling the words “perdon” and “guia” (guide).
After similar trickery to get past more groups of these people, some subtle hints to let me through (banging my stick on the ground directly behind someone and loud coughs), and much running, sweating, and climbing like a monkey I victoriously and ruthlessly made it to WP at 7am with 25 spots left.



My victorious entrance into Machu Picchu. The mountain on the right is Wayna Picchu.


Me victoriously atop Wayna Picchu. Worth it all.

Don’t get me wrong, Colombia is a beautiful and majestic country with several amazing aspects. There are just some things there that are so backwards in logic and make no sense to me. One of these is their bus system. This is from last year in Colombia.

First off, let me premise this with a few things: all buses in Colombia are negotiable – no matter how legitimate the company looks; once you enter a bus station, representatives from the companies spot you, immediately talk to you, and try to get you to their company. Now it’s all fun and games until you have to catch a bus at 6am or 8am. I’m not much for mornings, as many of you know, and especially not very friendly before my coffee (also known as “Pre-coffee Andreas”). So you can just imagine me that early in the morning, coffee less, disoriented, and being mauled by bus companies.

I believe we were in Cartagena and on our way to Medellin. At this point a friend and I had been 4 weeks in Ecuador and 2+ weeks in Colombia, so we were a bit sick of the antics – we just wanted the first bus back. Well, we were unable to get a straight answer from which bus was leaving (they’re always leaving “right now”). We manage to narrow it down to two guys and one was about to leave, and the other was leaving in 10 minutes (we’ll call them “Now” and “Later”). This scene then turned to ridiculousness. They both start haggling down – “Now” saying a price then “Later” lowering that and so on. This goes on for a good amount of time until they’re at about the same price (“as low as they can go”). We figure this is the end of the debacle and it’s up to us to decide now. Never make an assumption in South America. “Now” leaves for a second and comes back with 2 Gatorade bottles to sweeten the deal. We ponder it a bit. Then “Later” leaves and comes back with two Gatorade bottles and chips. We ask “Now” if he has a counter offer and he refuses to play the game anymore. So, of course, we award “Later” with the privilege of taking us after his hard effort and lack of pride. Never thought I would get bribed to ride a bus … only in Colombia.

An oldie, but a classic:
Most of you have heard about these already, but it’s still awesome to retell. We’ve seen some ridiculous shirts, signs, etc in South America but these two are my favorites.

These were both spotted on our jungle trip in Ecuador this last time. On the bus we saw this 10 year old chubby girl wearing this pink shirt. She was eating an ice cream and in her own little world. The shirt had sparkly writing and you wouldn’t have thought anything of it until you read it. We take a closer look and the shirt reads: “Kiss Me: Before My Boyfriend Gets Back”

While eating lunch in Misahuallí, Ecuador by the town center we were escaping the heat, relaxing, and people watching. My friend points out this girl (at most 14-15) wearing this black shirt and tells me to read it. This shirt reads: “I Get Shit Faced Drunk”

Stay classy Ecuador.

I found Fidel! He was in a poetry festival in Medellin, Colombia and I couldn't help but snipe.

I realized my posts sound a bit negative towards South Americans and I apologize. In an effort for equality, I will try to include more dumb, gringo traveler stories like this one:

While in Ecuador a friend and I took a 3 night trip to the Jungle just east of Quito. After some interesting bus rides and some unexpected plan changes, we ended up in a small jungle village right on the river called Misahuallí. The attraction of this town is the monkeys that run around in the plaza in the center. Seeing those little guys running around, playing, and jumping on trees was just too cute. Well it’s all fun and games until a gringo makes a mistake.

I noticed this gringo couple (who had been playing with the monkeys are hour earlier) walking through the square both holding fruit they had just purchased. The monkeys are obviously curious, so some come up all playful and innocent to “say hi.” The man decides it’s a good idea to feed one of the monkeys some fruit. WRONG. Once he does this, another monkey jumps onto the woman’s arms (she is hugging a bunch of fruit) and knocks it all to the ground. The monkeys start going ape shit. The couple gathers their remaining fruit and start to try to leave the plaza. They are literally walking backwards shooing these monkeys away - that have gone from playful to mean. They are jumping on the guy and going nuts. One even got a rock and was pounding it against the metal bench. The couple finally got away unharmed, but damn folks take my warning, do NOT feed the jungle monkeys.

I soon learned these monkeys were not so “cute and friendly” as I had originally thought. In my hour of sitting at the plaza I also witnessed them steal a bag of chips from a little girl (and made her cry), taunt and tease a dog, and steal a sprite bottle from a tourist.

One of the monkeys:

This happened a few weeks ago while I was in Santiago, Chile for a few days:
One night my friend took me to the opening of an independent film festival that he was a part of. We showed up around 8:30 (the time the movie and event were scheduled to start) and, of course, everything is running behind. We figured there would be drinks and appetizers served while waiting, but instead they only had red bull girls passing out endless supplies of red bull to everyone. Now, I want you to picture this: a room of about 100-200 Indy type Chileans all pounding red bulls (Everyone had on average two red bulls). Everyone is getting antsy and amped up standing there waiting in a room that’s packed with the doors to the theatre on one side.
After an hour there, the doors finally open up and holy sh*t, I then realized how awful an idea it was to hand out red bull in this situation. Everyone rushed to the door in a stampede form, with no remorse for others. I honestly felt like I was in San Fermín and the bulls were rounding the corner to maul us (something I’ve always died to do). We finally got in and seated, only to realize that they have about 50 more people than seats. This goes very well with the hyped up, red bull crazy eyed Chileans and they have discussions for another 20 minutes. Finally everyone just sits in the aisles and the place is literally packed. I just sat back, laughed, and prayed that there wasn’t going to be any kind of natural disaster or fire…just try and picture that scene…

Here’s an idea of what it felt like: (I guess I could mark Pamplona off my “To See List”)

Haha, I absolutely love this one:
So the other day I went jogging and was on this touristy quaint street in a very touristy neighborhood in Lima. As I'm approaching this middle aged couple, I notice the man kind of hold his wife closer and then visibly see her clutch her purse closer to her body and then move it to the other side of her (away from me). I just can't help but chuckle. As I pass them, I hear words of English so I decided to inform them,
"Just so you know, I'm from California."
They both turned around with a perplexed look as I continue to jog away laughing. They couldn't help but chuckle a bit as well.
They honestly thought I was going to mug or snatch her purse. I guess I have blended a little too well to the culture here...

This is probably the most backwards logic I've run into so far and fits quite appropriately for Colombia:
While in Medellin, Colombia recently I was staying with my mom who was part of a big poetry festival there. Well, we were staying at a nice hotel in the center and I was trying to find out things to do and see in the city. I asked the front desk and they told me a ton of things to see, one of which was the beautiful and stunning 'Parque de Luces' (Park of Lights). They told me it was amazing, but since it's day I should wait until night to see it, otherwise it's not worth seeing. Ok, I thanked them, we did some touristy thing during the day (Botanical Garden I believe) and then relaxed until night. 8:00 at night rolls in, we get ready, and head down to talk to the front desk about good places to eat by the Parque de Luces and how to get there.
They tell me since it's Sunday, everything's probably closed that they know of (a fact I already know isn't true) and it isn't safe to go around at night (also untrue) and that we should just eat in the hotel (which we were sick of after 3 days).
I ignore this and ask him about the park and he tells me it's unsafe at night and not to go. I pause, take a deep breath, and although I know better than to deal with South American logic, I press the matter further.
I ask, in Spanish, "so then when is a 'safe' time to go to the park?"
The answer was, of course, "during the day."
Deep breath.
My response, "wait. So earlier I was told the park is only worth seeing at night, right?"
"Right."
"And yet, now, you're telling me it's too dangerous to go at night?"
"Right."
Breath Andreas, breath.
"So then when can I go to the park to see it???"
"You should just eat at the restaurant here."
I should've just slapped him right there.
Turns out one of our friends had a flight in a few hours and we didn't have time to deal with nonsense. So we ended up not going and I never saw the damn park.

The two famous words that come from Latin America - some already know - that sum up this culture´s perspective when it comes to directions: "para alla" (pronouced 'para aya' - which roughly translates to 'over there'). If you have ever been in a Latin American country than you probably already know where I'm going with this. Whenever you get directions here, you're most likely in for a treat. For some reason the concept of details and priciseness is thrown out the window when it comes to time or distance here. When getting directions I've often found that a "few," "couple," or even an exact number like "3" blocks "para alla" can easily turn into at least 10-15 blocks in that general direction, and usually consist of a complex series of turns on various streets. The best part is if you ask someone a few blocks later, they'll give you a whole different direction for "para alla" and lead you in a set of infruriating circles. Two words that indeed make me cringe upon utterance: para alla.

This happened to me today at lunch in Lima, Peru:
I was sitting enjoy menu of the day (a great deal at $2.50 US! I love this country sometimes) at a table that was closest to the sidewalk in a little casual local restaurant. Some guy comes up to my table and asks to sit there and my response was an emphatic "no." His reaction is what had me going - he looked confused and shocked at my response and repeated a couple of times in case I didn't understand. He then spent the next 5 minutes trying to explain that he wanted to sit at the table and if the seat was taken. Being that I'm fluent in Spanish and understood everything he was saying (even his hand motions and attempt at broken English), my response was still obviously "no." He finally wandered back to the sidewalk all confused and explained it all to his family that were a few feet away apparently. I'm not exactly sure what the hell happened and they sure didn´t look like beggars. I can only assume they went to the restaurant next door as he wandered back as forth outside. In his defense the restaurant was packed (although I wasn´t the only one sitting alone with vacant seats), but it was definitely an odd request. Who knows, maybe I was at his lucky table or he liked the way my food looked.

I found myself in an amusing situation recently as I was leaving a hotel in Medellin, Colombia. I was looking over the standard tiny shampoos, toiletries, shoe shiner, etc. that they provide for you and realized that the only thing I wanted to take from that hotel was the toilet paper. After traveling around in Ecuador and Peru where for some ungodly reason they have a paper fetish and refuse to provide toilet paper in most bathrooms and give you an inch in diameter sized napkin. Well, despite what most would have done and I grabbed what would most be useful to me. What on earth has become of me??

I devised an ingenius (or at least what I believe to be) system for ordering food the way you want it in South America. Down here, unless you like everything covered in mayonaise or some kind of sauce, majority of the time you'll get it that way regardless - the one that especially comes to mind is the 'sin - con' situation in Cordoba, Argentina (where after about 5 times of me saying ¨sin mayonesa¨ (without) and the waitress' unrelenting response of ¨¿con?¨ (with)). I have now started to tell people that what ever I do NOT want on my food that I am allergic to it and it will make me violently ill or if I want it on the side I tell them I am slightly allergic and to put it on the side because I can´t have too much of it. Seriously, this trick works like a charm. I have never seen this continent so efficient as when the fear of killing you is put upon them.